Last month, my last month of 2009, was the most difficult. On my journey to who I'm supposed to be, I've learn so many vital things. Despite the things I know in my head, I've found that my head and heart do not like to communicate with each other. I have to make them, which in itself is a draining process.
My relationship with my dad is the most dear to me out of all the wonderful people in my life. I want approval from him more than any other person in the world. I long to hear him say, "I see you, who you are, you are beautiful, you delight my heart, I think you're wonderful!" What little girl doesn't want that from her father? But there's something more. Our relationship is one that runs deep. Deeper than any canyon or abyss imaginable. The only one that would top that is the one that is BEYOND imaginably deep. :) Our Father. Anyway, We also butt heads often. Our personalities are similar and our hearts are flawed. The inspiration for this "series" is his phone call to me the other night. Through every step of growth, pain, redemption, and relinquishing control, he's been there. He puts up with what no other would put up with from me. Like I said, the past two months has been ROUGH, to say the least. God's really shaping and molding my heart. To say that it is painful would be an understatement. My relationships with my family members have been sooo rocky lately. The love still runs deep, but that doesn't prevent us from hurting each other. My counselor said today, "Hurting people hurt people." I thought that was so simple, yet so profound. It's true! When I feel hurt, I go into defense mode, or protect myself mode, or build a wall mode. That's just what humans do. More than humans, think about dogs, if a dog gets kicked by someone or even falls, it won't let anyone near it or will attack if anyone tries to get near, they think they'll get hurt again. That being said, I'm just going through a lot of personal redirection and growth. It's tough. I'm a mess. But I know that the end is so worth it.
So, I'm stepping into brokenness, pain, reality, love, acceptance, grace, forgiveness, and onto a straight path.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Stepping Into Brokenness: "And He Threw Roses at My Feet"
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Hello Helicopter!
Today, one of our friends showed up in the field behind our house in his helicopter! So, we went for a ride! :) So FUN!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Rough beginning... hopefully a beautiful ending
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if my mom hadn't died. I wonder what would be different. In a message to an friend, one that knew my mother, I wrote this:
There's no reason in particular that she's been on my mind lately. Normally, when I'm struggling with something or life just reminds me that it's not easy, is when I miss her the most. I begin to wonder what my life as an adult would be like if she was still here. I wonder if I would have matured differently or faster, or dated certain people or not dated certain people. Because of the focus of her illness starting when I was 15, I feel like I missed out on having a mom in one of the parts of life that a girl needs her mom the most. I just wonder what kind of a person I would be if she was still around. Although, at the same time. I'm actually thankful for her death because even though she got the best end of the deal, I've grown and learned so much. I've made many mistakes, and learned from them all. I also have been forced to become a Daddy's girl... I didn't used to be.
At times I feel like I can't function without her. All I can do is sit and think. Or cry. I can't focus on anything but her. Sometimes I feel selfish for just sitting in the fact that she's gone. I don't do this often, but after I do, I feel like I've accomplished something. I feel that I've taken another step in the grieving process. I'm learning that it's so important to face the things that hurt the most. I didn't. Now, after 4 years, I am and it's the hardest thing. Growth is not easy. It's along and grueling process. At the end, I'm promised that it's beautiful, but beginning and enduring it... not so beautiful.
I posted this in my facebook today... It's Drops of Jupiter by Train
This is my song for her. It's the song I listened to on repeat on the way home from her viewing... which was also my parents' wedding anniversary Feb 21st, 2005... This song made it hard to drive home.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Entertainment
These are some hilarious and ... interesting... videos.
I love him...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkN8gXwI7g4&feature=PlayList&p=1EDB6CF2D91EE466&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=28
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qK5cZuVG1o&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntjrP09r2yE&feature=related
The best one of all... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUfzN40_dRM&feature=channel
Proof laughter is contagious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_A4ENwFVjL0&feature=relatedThe funniest thing about this one is the website at the end.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-fAajaSeiA&feature=related
Okay, gross, but surprisingly amusing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSd4t94XQm8&feature=related
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