Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Rough beginning... hopefully a beautiful ending

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if my mom hadn't died. I wonder what would be different. In a message to an friend, one that knew my mother, I wrote this:


There's no reason in particular that she's been on my mind lately. Normally, when I'm struggling with something or life just reminds me that it's not easy, is when I miss her the most. I begin to wonder what my life as an adult would be like if she was still here. I wonder if I would have matured differently or faster, or dated certain people or not dated certain people. Because of the focus of her illness starting when I was 15, I feel like I missed out on having a mom in one of the parts of life that a girl needs her mom the most. I just wonder what kind of a person I would be if she was still around. Although, at the same time. I'm actually thankful for her death because even though she got the best end of the deal, I've grown and learned so much. I've made many mistakes, and learned from them all. I also have been forced to become a Daddy's girl... I didn't used to be.

At times I feel like I can't function without her. All I can do is sit and think. Or cry. I can't focus on anything but her. Sometimes I feel selfish for just sitting in the fact that she's gone. I don't do this often, but after I do, I feel like I've accomplished something. I feel that I've taken another step in the grieving process. I'm learning that it's so important to face the things that hurt the most. I didn't. Now, after 4 years, I am and it's the hardest thing. Growth is not easy. It's along and grueling process. At the end, I'm promised that it's beautiful, but beginning and enduring it... not so beautiful.

I posted this in my facebook today... It's Drops of Jupiter by Train
This is my song for her. It's the song I listened to on repeat on the way home from her viewing... which was also my parents' wedding anniversary Feb 21st, 2005... This song made it hard to drive home.


Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Entertainment

These are some hilarious and ... interesting... videos.

I love him...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkN8gXwI7g4&feature=PlayList&p=1EDB6CF2D91EE466&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=28

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qK5cZuVG1o&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntjrP09r2yE&feature=related

The best one of all... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUfzN40_dRM&feature=channel



Proof laughter is contagious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_A4ENwFVjL0&feature=related

The funniest thing about this one is the website at the end.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-fAajaSeiA&feature=related

Okay, gross, but surprisingly amusing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSd4t94XQm8&feature=related






Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I'm really into memorizing scripture right now. haha... it's like it's a new fad or something... No. lol... no fad.

Psalm 119:9-11

9 "How can a young man keep his way pure?
By living according to your word.

10 I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.

11 I have hidden your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you."

2 Timothy 1:7

"For God has given us not a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control."

Psalm 37:4

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 139:14

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

I recently finished reading "Blue Like Jazz". Btw, great book. GREAT book. The Author, Donald Miller, had a lot to say about love and the Gospel. I found many of his ideas profound. After reading a friend's facebook status which said,

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken." C.S. Lewis The Four Loves

and "if love was a choice, who would choose such exquisite pain?"

I had a eureka moment. In response this is what I said:

Love makes the world go 'round! Dude, love is really all we have, we are commanded to love one another... Christ demonstrates how we should treat each other by loving, being compassionate, caring, putting others first, being close (and by close i mean intimate...) really knowing each other. If we live like this and remember that we are all siblings, and how much we love our siblings, then how should we love our neighbors? As ourselves right? which also means we are to love ourselves. God created u sin His image. We are image bearers and heirs to the throne. Why wouldn't we love ourselves?

Psalm 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." So... after all is said and done... LOVE WINS. God is Love. :) *steps off soap box*

To elaborate, I'm just realizing that we are called not only to Love God above all others, and love others before ourselves, but that does not say we can't love ourselves. Simply stating that we should love others before ourselves implies that we are to love ourselves. I take joy in the fact that I am a masterpiece and that my Father rejoices ("hallel"-hebrew word meaning 'to spin about wildly'... cool huh?) over me with singing. Would I not be so honored to be the creation and delight of the most High God? This brings me to my next idea.

It is that we are to ENJOY following God's laws. Although, they are Laws, they are put in place to keep us from harm. God uses that same thing in parenting. It's parallel. When you have children, you tell them do not play in the street, it is so that they don't get hit by a car. They are to have a healthy fear of the street. At the time, the child is not aware of why they shouldn't play in the street, just that they are limited to the yard and sidewalks and that their parents don't want them to be able to go anywhere else. They look at it like a restriction or that they're just being mean. We ought to thank and respect our parents for setting rules for us as children and teenagers because that is how we've learned. We've learned either by listening to what they say. or by mistake. That's how I normally learn things. As adults, we think we know so much more... which relatively, we do. But looking at the big picture, for us, there are so many pieces missing. We can't really even see the big picture. So when God puts rules into play to keep us safe, physically, emotionally, mentally, we feel that He's a mean God, that He's got all these laws that we're supposed to follow.. Being a gospel believing christian is NOT about following the laws. Now, that is a very important piece of the puzzle, but to focus on and get caught up in following the laws makes being a christian a duty. Why would we want just another duty? We DON'T! We should take joy in following His laws because when we are inconstant communion with our King, we don't see His rules as being mean, We see his rules as gifts, from a loving father who loves us so much that he would put those into place to keep us safe. In Psalm 37, verse 4, David says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." --- This verse you can look at all together, and you can separate it and digest each part individually.

"Delight yourself in the Lord..."

First, look at what Thesaurus.com has to say about the what it means to delight:

Main Entry:delight
Part of Speech:verb
Definition:make happy; experience happiness

Synonyms:

allure, amuse, arride, attract, be the ticket, charm, cheer, content, delectate, divert,enchant, enrapture, entertain, exult, fascinate, freak out, gladden, glory, go over big, gratify,groove*, hit the spot, jubilate, knock dead, knock out, please, pleasure, ravish, rejoice, satisfy, score, send, slay, thrill, tickle pink, tickle to death, turn on, wow

Isn't that interesting? Just sit and ponder what it would be like to do all those things. And then think about what all "The Lord" encompasses. How are we to delight ourselves in the Lord? Compare your relationship with Christ to the relationship you have with your best friend, your spouse, or your healthiest relationship. Think about even the small things that bring you joy in those relationships. God is SO MUCH BIGGER than that. He should be your EVERYTHING. I'm so guilty of putting myself, control, others, material things, love, etc.. in priority over Him. How does it feel to be 2nd? not great right? If you're married, or have every been in a relationship, how would it feel if your significant other put someone else before you? How would it feel if they loved that other person, pursued that other person, spent more time with that other person more than you? AWFUL. HEART WRENCHING. Think about it. It grieves the heart of God. Why would we ever choose anything but Him anyway? Anything other than our Lord falls short. Anyone other than our Lord will give us TEMPORARY, SHALLOW, CONDITIONAL, at times DRUNKEN, APATHETIC, and SELFISH love and acceptance. I'm not saying that we are incapable of having deep and meaningful relationships with other christians and even non-believers! We are! But nothing will ever be as satisfying as the UNCONDITIONAL, FOREVER, INTIMATE, SELFLESS, HONORING, RESPECTING, COMPASSIONATE, DEEP, SINCERE, AND GENUINE, love and acceptance that we have to only RECEIVE from the heart of God. Why not delight in that? ha! We'd be crazy not to! ... or sinners...

"... and He will give you the desires of your heart."

The second part of this verse can be taken two ways. He will give you the things that your heart desires, OR, He will cause your heart to desire what His heart desires for you. Which would you prefer and why? I prefer the latter. If I long for my life to be good and pleasing to him, to honor my Lord, to praise him in everything, through everything, and all the time... and He knows far better than I what is best for me, then why tell him what I think is best? He does enjoy to bless us with things that we desire, but He also blesses us with things that we don't know we desire until we experience that blessing. Again, the big picture that we can't see, is so vast. This part, once you get that they are HIS desires that we long to long for, it's pretty simple I think...


Sunday, July 19, 2009

Flickr

This is a test post from flickr, a fancy photo sharing thing.

Monday, July 13, 2009

The Prodigal God series part 1 (STELLAR sermons btw)

So I've been listening to the Prodigal God sermon series by Tim Keller. Amazing. It's absolutely incredible. I could listen to them over and over. In fact, my sister has. haha... It doesn't matter what stage of life you're in, this series is for you. Here's something that I wrote down because it was so profound to me.

"Repentance is an experience of LIBERATION. A repentant person is someone who is FINALLY free from the pretense and evasion. Free from the need to win every argument, free from the need to defend yourself. Free from the need to expose others ans say, "You're not so great." A repentant person who is vulnerable and happy to do it and says, "Yes, I was wrong, I was absolutely wrong. I shouldn't have done that. Let's make it right." Quick to repent, joyful to repent. It's liberation. I don't have to spin everything, I don't have to have control what everybody thinks."
-Tim Keller

Keller talks about 2 kinds of repentance:

1-The kind that leads to salvation and no regret.
2-The kind that leads to regret and devastation.

The first kind of repentance is one that is focused on how the sin that has been done effects the heart of the One that matters. It focuses on the hurt, grief, and pain that the sin has caused the lover of souls and how time does not heal hurt, but a repentant heart and love, grace, mercy, and joy.
The second kind is one that is more self centered. Focused on the sinner and what the sinner did. The sinner might think that if they feel bad enough about what they did and people see that they feel badly then, they've suffered enough of the guilt and everything can be okay again.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The rain is my gift and the thunder, music to my ears.

I've come to the realization that this day, my 22nd birthday, is not about me. Today I am proud of myself for being who I am, yes. BUT- without the gospel, without love, compassionate grace, mercy, redemption, sacrifice, zeal... etc. Where would I be? This is not MY day. This is the Lord's day for me. I'm so thankful and blessed to be a proclaimed daughter of the high King of Zion, the almighty, the most high God. I'm honored that He would think of me. His greatness humbles me. The lord my God is on my side. He has called me to Him an d today He blessed me the minute I woke up. He knows my heart loves to wake up to the rain. This morning, I woke up to thunder and within minutes it began to pour. I immediately opened all my windows and went outside and started my day with my Abba, my Lord.

How great is our God? :)

Each day the Lord gives us is a gift. It is also a responsibility. What we do with His gifts is very important. We are image bearers of the King. You and I represent an idea, a faith, a love, the truth, the gospel, the only wise God. How will you bear the image so graciously bestowed upon you? You are a masterpiece.

"Rejoice in the Lord always, I say again, Rejoice!"

"And I will fear not evil, for my God is with me. And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear? WHOM THEN SHALL I FEAR?"

Monday, July 6, 2009

You're Beautiful

'You're Beautiful'
by Phil Wickham


I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful

I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You’re beautiful, you're beautiful

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, I see Your face
I see Your face, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful


This is one of my favorite worship songs. Phil Wickham is probably my favorite christian artists.
This morning I was sitting out on the screened in porch listening to the sounds that come with a new day. I made a list of things I'm thankful for... This list is SO short compared to the one that is actually all the things that my savior has given me. But these are the ones that came to mind first.

This is what I wrote in my journal this morning:

-My wonderful family-I'm so blessed by just being with them and knowing that I matter to them. Always.
-Lady-she's really affectionate and rubbing her face all over me cuz she wants me to pet her. (She's pregnant) I also love that I love cats. My mother loved cats. It's kinda of like a piece of her that I have...
-The outside-I don't have words to express the JOY I receive from just being in awe of your creation. It brings so much glory to you and such joy to me. Your works are indescribable! You know my heart and pursue me with love. You are the lover of my soul. You are the author of my heart, mind, soul, and story. You're the bridegroom of my heart. Yet you are my Father, whom I revere. You are the creator of all things. You show me you love me.
-When the sun hits me just right.
-When a song comes on the radio and my heart jumps
-When there's a breeze
-The sound of the wind making the trees dance.
-The morning birds that sing their songs for you.
-The shadows and lights that make the leaves look dynamic.
-Animals
-Coffee- the smell of coffee.
-Shade
-Playing sports with friends
-Being a kid
-Music- God, music is so wonderful. I want to sing to you everyday.


Micah 7:18
"Who is a God like You, who pardons sins and forgives the transgression of the remnant of inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; You will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea."