Charlie

I feel odd. The majority of my friends that I started college with, are either engaged or married. ANOTHER one of my best friends got engaged last night. I'm in no rush to get married. It's just weird. It's like there's a different stage in life just kind of circling above me waiting to dive in and swoop me into its talons. We'll call him Charlie. haha. and above Charlie is my Lord, he's the puppeteer... controlling Charlie, holding him off until the time is right. I kinda feel like I'm stuck. I want to move on and be done with school and start a life without being in school and working low paying part time jobs. Although, there's a season for everything. (Ecclesiastes 3) I know that this is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. Living paycheck to paycheck, stretching every penny. I'm good at that now. I've learned to deal with it. I know God's got something that He's doing with me right now, whether it's something I'm learning or something He's having me do.

The other day, I realized that I may have moved on a bit in the grieving process. I'm actually genuinely, in my heart, excited that my mother is dancing with the King. Lately, God's been giving me tiny tastes of the wonderful Heaven that we're promised. He has been for a long time. Only recently, have I paid attention. I like to think about what that guy said in "90 Minutes in Heaven". He says that in Heaven, he heard all the worship songs ever all being sung at once, all in accord, and he felt the peace and emotions of all of the songs all at once also. How overwhelming. That alone makes me excited and even more at peace than before. Before, I knew that my mother was having a party up there, but it didn't ring true in my heart. I didn't FEEL okay with that. I KNEW in my head that she was in a better place and I was jealous. Now, I FEEL that, and yeah, I'm a little jealous, but I don't think about only that and how long it will be until I can leave this place. I'm totally focused on what God has going on for me right now, on Earth. I eagerly await the day when He comes to take us home, or when I get to go meet him; but I'm glad that I'm here trying to glorify with my life. I don't know if any of this makes sense. It does to me. Alrighty, off to grocery shopping, crafting, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and then... partying! WOO! Merry Christmas!

A whole lot of Love

God Is Love

7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. 10 In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Live and breathe Jesus...

I stole these from a very good friend...  I'm so excited about reading all different books but I can only read one at a time. AH!

"You've trusted Jesus with your life; now live that life in 
Him. Inhale Him. Exhale Him. Make Him your lifesource each and every day with the faith of a little child! You were planted in the richest of soils and watered with the amazing Truth of his kingdom. Don't hide the joy-filled life of Jesus beneath the soil, but grow and bloom for all the world to see." Eric Ludy on Colossians 2:7

"But if a woman is aspiring to become a princess of purity, she must wait patiently for a Christlike knight. And though this kind of man is rare, God is raising up men after His own heart. And that kind of man is worth waiting for!" When God Writes Your Love Story

"You're seeing the institution which is a man made system. That's not what I came to build. What I see are people and their lives a living breathing community of all those who love me, not buildings and programs." The Shack

"It's simple. Its all about relationships and simply sharing life- being open and available to others around me. My church is all about people and life is all about relationships. You can't build it. That's my job and I'm actually pretty good at it" The Shack on church

Oh sweet Jesus. You are my wonderful counselor. Guide me. Cause me to know your will. Live through me. Purify me, make me wholly yours. Help me to daily, live out the fruit of the spirit and show your love to everyone through how I treat them. God you are the almighty one. You so amazingly blessed me yesterday in the car on the way to work. You speak to me through music. You filled me up with you. A peace washed over me and I wept in thanksgiving and excitement over you. I was overwhelmed with an uncontainable joy about meeting you face to face one day.

Earlier I was reading Come Thirsty and Max Lucado was talking about Lazarus and what he might have been doing while in heaven before Jesus told him, "Lazarus, Come out!". It was really cool thinking about how amazing it will be when that time comes when He comes in the clouds and takes his children back with Him. How great is His faithfulness! I'm so at peace to know that my mother is in the company of The Almighty, the great saints, the disciples, hangin out with Elijah and Elisha... taking rides in the fiery chariot... Discussing things with Moses and Jacob and David and Esther. Ah! how cool is that. It's like there's a cool book that you're reading and finally, you get to jump into it (like in the show reading rainbow) lol... and experience being with the characters. Meeting all of them and at the same time, hanging out with the author. The perfecter of time, the potter and creator of a masterpiece so unfathomable, we just have to experience it to truly know what it's like. Until then we wait in excitement like little children, trusting that Daddy will come through, because he always does.


My toes are cold...




This is the song that is so ministering to me right now...

It’s the song of the redeemed
Rising from the African plain
It’s the song of the forgiven
Drowning out the Amazon rain
The song of Asian believers
Filled with God’s holy fire
It’s every tribe, every tongue, every nation
A love song born of a grateful choir

It’s all God’s children singing
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns
It’s all God’s children singing
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns

Let it rise about the four winds
Caught up in the heavenly sound
Let praises echo from the towers of cathedrals
To the faithful gathered underground
Of all the songs sung from the dawn of creation
Some were meant to persist
Of all the bells rung from a thousand steeples
None rings truer than this

And all the powers of darkness
Tremble at what they’ve just heard
‘Cause all the powers of darkness
Can’t drown out a single word

When all God’s children sing out
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns
All God’s people singing
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns

This life, therefore, is not righteousness but Growth in Righteousness; not health, but Healing; not being but Becoming; not rest,but Excercise. We are not yet what we shall be, but we are Growing toward it. The Process is not yet finished, but it IS going on. This is not the end, but it is the road. All does not yet gleem in glory, but all is being perfected" -Luther

Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I wil deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known My name. He shall call upon Me and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. With a long life I will SATISFY" Psalm 92:14-16l


I love this...

Zephaniah 3:14-17

"Sing, O Daughter of Zion; shout aloud O Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O Daughter of Jerusalem! The Lord has taken away your punishment and turned back your enemy. The Lord, the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm. The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take a great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

Zephaniah 3:14-17


Every day, I need a Savior... The Savior.

Hide his word in your heart. Meditate on it day and night....

I'm using this as the theme for my final in color theory...

A Time for Everything

3:1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

I'm totally into poetry right now...

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
- e.e cummings


Spontaneous Me
by Walt Whitman

Spontaneous me, Nature,  
The loving day, the mounting sun, the friend I am happy with,  
The arm of my friend hanging idly over my shoulder,  
The hill-side whiten’d with blossoms of the mountain ash,  
The same, late in autumn—the hues of red, yellow, drab, purple, and light and dark green,
The rich coverlid of the grass—animals and birds—the private untrimm’d bank—
   the primitive apples—the pebble-stones,  
Beautiful dripping fragments—the negligent list of one after another, as I happen to call
   them to me, or think of them,  
The real poems, (what we call poems being merely pictures,)  
The poems of the privacy of the night, and of men like me,  
This poem, drooping shy and unseen, that I always carry, and that all men carry,
(Know, once for all, avow’d on purpose, wherever are men like me, are our lusty, lurking,
   masculine poems;)  
Love-thoughts, love-juice, love-odor, love-yielding, love-climbers, and the climbing sap,  
Arms and hands of love—lips of love—phallic thumb of love—breasts of
   love—bellies press’d and glued together with love,  
Earth of chaste love—life that is only life after love,  
The body of my love—the body of the woman I love—the body of the man—the body of
   the earth,
Soft forenoon airs that blow from the south-west,  
The hairy wild-bee that murmurs and hankers up and down—that gripes the full-grown
   lady-flower, curves upon her with amorous firm legs, takes his will of her, and holds himself
   tremulous and tight till he is satisfied,  
The wet of woods through the early hours,  
Two sleepers at night lying close together as they sleep, one with an arm slanting down across
   and below the waist of the other,  
The smell of apples, aromas from crush’d sage-plant, mint, birch-bark,
The boy’s longings, the glow and pressure as he confides to me what he was dreaming,  
The dead leaf whirling its spiral whirl, and falling still and content to the ground,  
The no-form’d stings that sights, people, objects, sting me with,  
The hubb’d sting of myself, stinging me as much as it ever can any one,  
The sensitive, orbic, underlapp’d brothers, that only privileged feelers may be intimate where
they are,
The curious roamer, the hand, roaming all over the body—the bashful withdrawing of flesh
   where the fingers soothingly pause and edge themselves,  
The limpid liquid within the young man,  
The vexed corrosion, so pensive and so painful,  
The torment—the irritable tide that will not be at rest,  
The like of the same I feel—the like of the same in others,
The young man that flushes and flushes, and the young woman that flushes and flushes,  
The young man that wakes, deep at night, the hot hand seeking to repress what would master
   him; The mystic amorous night—the strange half-welcome pangs, visions, sweats,  
The pulse pounding through palms and trembling encircling fingers—the young man all color’d,
   red, ashamed, angry;  
The souse upon me of my lover the sea, as I lie willing and naked,
The merriment of the twin-babes that crawl over the grass in the sun, the mother never turning
   her vigilant eyes from them,  
The walnut-trunk, the walnut-husks, and the ripening or ripen’d long-round walnuts;  
The continence of vegetables, birds, animals,  
The consequent meanness of me should I skulk or find myself indecent, while birds and animals
   never once skulk or find themselves indecent;  
The great chastity of paternity, to match the great chastity of maternity,
The oath of procreation I have sworn—my Adamic and fresh daughters,  
The greed that eats me day and night with hungry gnaw, till I saturate what shall produce boys to
   fill my place when I am through,  
The wholesome relief, repose, content;  
And this bunch, pluck’d at random from myself;  
It has done its work—I tossed it carelessly to fall where it may.

First day of December = first snow... I hope we get more.

My apartment doesn't heat very quickly. I made some hot chocolate and burned my tongue. Not cool. I ALWAYS burn my tongue. Anyway...

So, I'm learning so many things. I'm learning that to invest myself completely in every person i care about and/or want to help, I leave no room for air. I'm a fixer and a lover. People in my family love deep. So when I care about my d-group girls, and when I spent time with the girls in YoungLife, when I have friends with any problem that they want to talk about... etc. I want to fix it. I try to do everything I can to fix it. I don't try to fix it for the sake of fixing it... or for MY satisfaction. I truly care and want to better the situation... I just get so hung on taking care of things. I over-invest myself and feel out of control. What's I'm learning is that I can't have control. I didn't have control in the first place, I can't gain control, and I never will have control. I'm constantly reminded of God's sovereignty. He's ALWAYS there, paying attention, planning, in control, and in my corner. I let my nature take control and forget that He has everything taken care of. Gosh, I wish I would just let go.

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is holy
Be still oh restless soul of mine
Bow before the prince of peace
Let the noise and clamor cease

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is faithful
Consider all that He has done
Stand in awe and be amazed
And know that He will never change
Be still

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is God
Be still
Be speechless

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know He is our father
Come rest your head upon his breast
Listen to the rhythm of
His unfailing heart of love
Beating for his little ones
Calling each of us to come
Be still
Be still



...
I love this song.
"Be still and Know" by Steven Curtis Chapman

I speaks to my heart. I need an everyday reminder that He's God and I'm not. I must take Cate off the throne in my heart and put Christ back on it. It's so easy to sit on that throne. So sinfully natural to sit on my own throne. But it's not my throne. It's His. It's so important yet so difficult let go. I'm his daughter. He is my authority... but He's also the Love of my Soul.

When I think about how Christ is the Lover of my Soul, I recall all the ways He pursues me and makes me feel like He made the multicolored trees and campfire smells just for me. It's such a sweet and intimate love we have with our Jesus. One like no other. I'm terrible with words so I'll put up another song that I just love.


"Everything" by Lifehouse

Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me to the place
Where I find peace again

You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

You calm the storms
And you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall
You steal my heart
When you take my breath away
Would you take me in take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

Cause you're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
Everything, everything

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better any better than this
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

wow. I just lost everything i had written. It was so much! OH my gosh. ugh.
I'm gonna rewrite it later. i'm not in the mood now.

dude... I'm supposed to be registering today but can't even get onto the server... it's so crowded... Okay, here's my bit about the election.

Everyone's freaking out. For some reason, I'm very calm and not worried at all about what will happen to our country. I was talking to my sister and bro-in-law about the election. We have similar views but mine differ from theirs, and from my parents' views in some areas.. I'm still figuring out what I think about certain things. Anyway. I was talking with them, the other day about the election and my sister kinda hushed me and mentioned I might keep my opinion quiet if it in any way opposes Mcain... our little (step) sisters were with us and our step mom is very passionate about her beliefs.. as she should be... but I realized that I shouldn't have to keep my opinions to myself just because they're different. Discussing politics with ppl who have different opinions would be nice.. if they wouldn't get all crazy and start preaching to me even when I agree... gosh... I asked a co-worker of mine if it was weird that I'm not stressed about the outcome of the election.. (this was last night before we knew what happening with it.. we were at work) She said it was very odd that I don't mind. I believe that God has a plan. No matter what His plan includes, it's a good one and I'm okay with it. He's omniscient. I'm not. anyway. she said "God's not an american."

One of my dear friends had her facebook status last night as that verse in Romans... about authority. how God places those in authority... That's why I'm not worried. I actually had a difficult time deciding who to vote for... I actually thought afterwards, maybe I should have voted for the other guy... there were certain things about both of them I liked and some i didn't like at all... some would say that if I wasn't completely decided, I shouldn't have voted. idk.

btw: I love pandora.com

This morning was cool... I woke up in my amazingly comfortable bed and saw a bright yellow tree outside my window... my window's small but it's there. There's big trees and kudzo outside my window... :
I like looking at kudzo... it's pretty... but i don't want it taking over my apartment.

ekh

it's cold. I just sneezed... only one though... hmm.. yeah i can feel my limb and digits stiffening as it gets colder. I'm in the work room (computer room) at my parents' house. I have no clue why it's so freezing downstairs... it's terrible. whew. i'm kinda shivering. anyway... oh wow. LIFE. what is it? weeeooowooowweeeewoooweeeoooweeoooweeeooo.. i don' t even know. haha try to say/sing what i just typed... it makes me laugh. I'm wearing jeans, a tank top, a reg. shirt, and a sweat shirt... and flip flops... haha. I can't feel my toes. I need regular shoes... one that an intelligent person would wear in the winter.. i know it's not winter quite yet, but right now it feels like i'm in the dead of winter in siberia... but it's only the work room... the lonely work room with flourescent lights. ehk. i can hear the ice falling in the ice maker in the kitchen... i can hear the other computer next to me make noise...

I just found out last night that my Ex boyfriend goes to Ranger School in a few days. That's a big deal. I know it will be really challenging. I pray for him. I kind of wish I could just say hey to him and give him a word of encouragement. I still care about him as a person. I haven't talked to him in over a month i think. It's been good learning to be me. It's been refreshing. I miss the closeness of our relationship, but I value my time with me and my time with God more. It's special to have someone care about you with the intensity he did. It made me feel good. For now though, I have one soul that cares about me and loves me and pursues me everyday. Sometimes I ignore him. I feel bad. I know I shouldn't. I don't want to. What's interesting is that the more i make time for christ, the more I want to make more time for Him. The more time I want and feel I need to spend time with him. It's awesome. I just need to be consistent.

Random thought: I like typing when my fingers are cold. For some reason I feel I can type faster. Is that weird? If so i'm glad. Someone told me I'm a dynamic person. I had to think back to highschool when i learned what that meant. I felt stupid at first, but then remembered that I learned that a dynamic character in a story is one that is changing, or learning from something. One that is growing. I got excited. :) I'm dynamic and rapturous. hehe.. I'm enjoying these words. I enjoy learning new words and finding out more about myself. Cuz i'm still finding me. But it's fun. okay, well, My fingers are typing efficiently, but I won't be driving home efficiently if I don't go now...

oh wait. I forgot... my laundry. AHK! dangit. I hate not having laundry machines. poo. ok it's either go to sleep here and do it in the morning, or go home and do it tomorrow at sam's house. I wanna see my family tomorrow but don't really know what they'll be up to. I think I might stay... I just need to find some socks... and my sweat pants... which I lost here two weeks ago. haha. alright. going to look for my sweat pants. and socks and more blankets. burrrr (((><)))

Self control is so important... in so many ways... I'm surrounded by people who get hurt by looking for love or revenge in the wrong way... i find myself doing the same... differently, but the same. In the D-group I'm leading, our study last week was awesome. One of the things that stuck out to me were when he talked about "sin under the sin"... If I try to find value or significance in things like people complimenting me on how i look or smell or how well I do photography or whatever... then, the approval of others is obviously my idol... That's what i care about. I know that I spend more time thinking about or trying to improve the way people think about me... That's my idol... so in being selfish and vain, I'm also breaking the first commandment... Have no other gods before Me... so when we sin, just one sin, we're sinning at least twice. gosh... what a tangled web we weave... My GOD is forgiving, he offers me grace and mercy freely. I just have to accept it and not abuse it. You know what's cool? he gives us little gifts all the time. pursuing us like a guy does when he's in love with us and wants to marry us.... hahaha... (if you can imagine my tone of voice... it was funny) Our relationship with Christ is the ultimate cinderella story... although sometimes we try to play both role of the prince and cinderella... that never works out. you can' t be both... and role reversal doesn't work either... so really, we just need to relax, enjoy his gifts and blessings and enjoy him forever... sounds easy right? who wouldn't want that life... we all do, but what do we do all the time? all of us.. we all don't feel like hanging our with God every morning and then I forget during the day that he's here to help... to completely take my burdens... and I get distracted by all the material things in this world, and the things that i "need" ... and then i get stressed out because of school and work and emotions and friends and boys and love and non love and pressure and acceptance and all those things that everyone thinks they need to stress over this is supposed to be a run on sentence on purpose... now take a big breath and sigh saying, I don't have to worry about it. God's got it. He's got it under control... He's sitting right there all the time shaking his head, "HEY! you don't have to do that, i can help you , let me help you... I'm here to help you... please don't forget me. That's not going to make you happy forever, just today. remember me, remember my love for you..."

you know that song "Everything" by lifehouse? It's awesome. There's skits all over youtube. 

"How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You? You tell me, how could it be any better than this? 

Makes me weep every time i see the video... 

HELLOOoo WoRlD!

I'm using the font called Georgia... cuz That's where I'm from...  :)

This is my blog. I've just created it. Sometimes my thoughts are random... just single words. no sentences... I'm excited for when I have time to just sit down and think... because when I sit down to blog, it will prob. be an emotional time. I know this, I don't really know who I'm talking to... actually, I do. I'm talking to myself. Sometimes when I'm journaling, I realize things about myself that I didn't before. I'm excited to write more... Oh and I ask ppl sometimes, if they could describe me in one word, what would it be?... My favorite, I heard today. well, she's told me before, but i just forgot. Heather says I'm Rapturous. It's going to be incorporated into my tatoo... because I'm rapturous. and so was my mom. and so is my sister. hmmm. I want something involving me and my mom. she will be a daffodil. I'm not sure what I will be and I might want to add my sis in there. I think it will be cool. Maybe she will be a torch. a really pretty torch, a beautiful dancing torch. yes. that. so the torch and i will be wrapped up in the daffodil? no. uh, looking down on us. ug. not sure I'll play with it... but i know where i wana get it. i think.I'm excited. it's kinda my freedom tat. :) freedom from past relationships. Freedom from codependency, free. I'm free, it's my and Jesus and he's got my road laid down, So i don't have to lay it there. All i have to do is walk. Enjoy the scenery, find a grassy knoll and chill... sometimes storms will come and I have to sit there and rest in my faith and rest in my God while it's storming around me... But I'm free to do so. I don't have to create my river, trees, knoll, road, anything... He's got it taken care of.