Stepping Into Brokenness: "And He Threw Roses at My Feet"

Last month, my last month of 2009, was the most difficult. On my journey to who I'm supposed to be, I've learn so many vital things. Despite the things I know in my head, I've found that my head and heart do not like to communicate with each other. I have to make them, which in itself is a draining process.

My relationship with my dad is the most dear to me out of all the wonderful people in my life. I want approval from him more than any other person in the world. I long to hear him say, "I see you, who you are, you are beautiful, you delight my heart, I think you're wonderful!" What little girl doesn't want that from her father? But there's something more. Our relationship is one that runs deep. Deeper than any canyon or abyss imaginable. The only one that would top that is the one that is BEYOND imaginably deep. :) Our Father. Anyway, We also butt heads often. Our personalities are similar and our hearts are flawed. The inspiration for this "series" is his phone call to me the other night. Through every step of growth, pain, redemption, and relinquishing control, he's been there. He puts up with what no other would put up with from me. Like I said, the past two months has been ROUGH, to say the least. God's really shaping and molding my heart. To say that it is painful would be an understatement. My relationships with my family members have been sooo rocky lately. The love still runs deep, but that doesn't prevent us from hurting each other. My counselor said today, "Hurting people hurt people." I thought that was so simple, yet so profound. It's true! When I feel hurt, I go into defense mode, or protect myself mode, or build a wall mode. That's just what humans do. More than humans, think about dogs, if a dog gets kicked by someone or even falls, it won't let anyone near it or will attack if anyone tries to get near, they think they'll get hurt again. That being said, I'm just going through a lot of personal redirection and growth. It's tough. I'm a mess. But I know that the end is so worth it.

So, I'm stepping into brokenness, pain, reality, love, acceptance, grace, forgiveness, and onto a straight path.