Stepping into Brokenness: "I want a smooth and straight path"

I wrote a song last night. Not really a song, but it was just a whole lot of words, phrases. They just came to me. I kinda of feel like they've been lingering around in my brain. It took ten minutes to write them all down. It was weird. I put music to them today. It's not the best, but after some work, I think it has potential.

I left the counselor's office a little while ago. It went well, I didn't get much time today, but what time I did have was really great. She's an objective mediator/advisor. Everyone needs counseling. If you think you do, you do. If you think you don't, you REALLY do. haha. It's great.

I've changed the way I do things. I've added a few things to my schedule, but good things. I begin AND end my day with either writing in my journal, which is all just prayer, or reading scripture. I've realized that not EVERY time with God has to be a tear jerking, "come to Jesus" moment. I can simply learn something that God has to teach me or be reminded of the examples of godly people in the Bible or a story that I will relate to that day. I don't have to really hugely be affected by that short time and weep and be drained the rest of the day. It's like coffee with a best friend. Sometimes you just talk about life, the little things, not necessarily having deep deep conversation and crying on each others' shoulders. Something that I've known for a while, but hardly ever practice: Every thing you do, every thought you think, or word you say... all of it should be an act of worship. Proverbs 3:6 says, "In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." What a blessing! A straight path! I don't have to wander around aimlessly... My road's not bumpy or rocky or worse, pothole infested. When you're in constant communion with Him and every act, everything you do, you consider an act of worship, how could anything you do or say be malicious, degrading, condescending, or selfish? That sad part of this amazing bit is that in order to make every act, one that is worship, we must be apart from our selves. We're so geared towards putting ourselves on the throne in our hearts, serving ourselves, making our lives easier. Our inherent nature is not to constant serve the God who created us. Our sin nature prohibits us from easily communing with our Lord. I'm broken and need rescuing every minute of every day. I know this, but don't remember it all the time. Some how my pride gets the best of me and I feel that I can pull myself out of a sticky situation... or protect myself. God is ALWAYS in control and ALWAYS knows it. It astounds me how quickly we forget that. It makes me wonder if our subconscious does it on purpose. We want to control.

Stepping Into Brokenness: "And He Threw Roses at My Feet"

Last month, my last month of 2009, was the most difficult. On my journey to who I'm supposed to be, I've learn so many vital things. Despite the things I know in my head, I've found that my head and heart do not like to communicate with each other. I have to make them, which in itself is a draining process.

My relationship with my dad is the most dear to me out of all the wonderful people in my life. I want approval from him more than any other person in the world. I long to hear him say, "I see you, who you are, you are beautiful, you delight my heart, I think you're wonderful!" What little girl doesn't want that from her father? But there's something more. Our relationship is one that runs deep. Deeper than any canyon or abyss imaginable. The only one that would top that is the one that is BEYOND imaginably deep. :) Our Father. Anyway, We also butt heads often. Our personalities are similar and our hearts are flawed. The inspiration for this "series" is his phone call to me the other night. Through every step of growth, pain, redemption, and relinquishing control, he's been there. He puts up with what no other would put up with from me. Like I said, the past two months has been ROUGH, to say the least. God's really shaping and molding my heart. To say that it is painful would be an understatement. My relationships with my family members have been sooo rocky lately. The love still runs deep, but that doesn't prevent us from hurting each other. My counselor said today, "Hurting people hurt people." I thought that was so simple, yet so profound. It's true! When I feel hurt, I go into defense mode, or protect myself mode, or build a wall mode. That's just what humans do. More than humans, think about dogs, if a dog gets kicked by someone or even falls, it won't let anyone near it or will attack if anyone tries to get near, they think they'll get hurt again. That being said, I'm just going through a lot of personal redirection and growth. It's tough. I'm a mess. But I know that the end is so worth it.

So, I'm stepping into brokenness, pain, reality, love, acceptance, grace, forgiveness, and onto a straight path.