Multimedia message, originally uploaded by cateentrekin.

Multimedia message, originally uploaded by cateentrekin.

Multimedia message, originally uploaded by cateentrekin.

Hello Helicopter!

Multimedia message, originally uploaded by cateentrekin.

Today, one of our friends showed up in the field behind our house in his helicopter! So, we went for a ride! :) So FUN!

Rough beginning... hopefully a beautiful ending

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if my mom hadn't died. I wonder what would be different. In a message to an friend, one that knew my mother, I wrote this:

There's no reason in particular that she's been on my mind lately. Normally, when I'm struggling with something or life just reminds me that it's not easy, is when I miss her the most. I begin to wonder what my life as an adult would be like if she was still here. I wonder if I would have matured differently or faster, or dated certain people or not dated certain people. Because of the focus of her illness starting when I was 15, I feel like I missed out on having a mom in one of the parts of life that a girl needs her mom the most. I just wonder what kind of a person I would be if she was still around. Although, at the same time. I'm actually thankful for her death because even though she got the best end of the deal, I've grown and learned so much. I've made many mistakes, and learned from them all. I also have been forced to become a Daddy's girl... I didn't used to be.

At times I feel like I can't function without her. All I can do is sit and think. Or cry. I can't focus on anything but her. Sometimes I feel selfish for just sitting in the fact that she's gone. I don't do this often, but after I do, I feel like I've accomplished something. I feel that I've taken another step in the grieving process. I'm learning that it's so important to face the things that hurt the most. I didn't. Now, after 4 years, I am and it's the hardest thing. Growth is not easy. It's along and grueling process. At the end, I'm promised that it's beautiful, but beginning and enduring it... not so beautiful.

I posted this in my facebook today... It's Drops of Jupiter by Train

This is my song for her. It's the song I listened to on repeat on the way home from her viewing... which was also my parents' wedding anniversary Feb 21st, 2005... This song made it hard to drive home.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xXQFnIEf_Q

Entertainment

These are some hilarious and ... interesting... videos.

I love him...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkN8gXwI7g4&feature=PlayList&p=1EDB6CF2D91EE466&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=28

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qK5cZuVG1o&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntjrP09r2yE&feature=related

The best one of all... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUfzN40_dRM&feature=channel

Proof laughter is contagious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_A4ENwFVjL0&feature=related

The funniest thing about this one is the website at the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-fAajaSeiA&feature=related

Okay, gross, but surprisingly amusing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSd4t94XQm8&feature=related

I'm really into memorizing scripture right now. haha... it's like it's a new fad or something... No. lol... no fad.

Psalm 119:9-11

⁹ "How can a young man keep his way pure?
By living according to your word.

¹⁰ I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.

¹¹ I have hidden your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you."

2 Timothy 1:7

"For God has given us not a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control."

Psalm 37:4

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 139:14

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

I recently finished reading "Blue Like Jazz". Btw, great book. GREAT book. The Author, Donald Miller, had a lot to say about love and the Gospel. I found many of his ideas profound. After reading a friend's facebook status which said,

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken." C.S. Lewis The Four Loves

and "if love was a choice, who would choose such exquisite pain?"

I had a eureka moment. In response this is what I said:

Love makes the world go 'round! Dude, love is really all we have, we are commanded to love one another... Christ demonstrates how we should treat each other by loving, being compassionate, caring, putting others first, being close (and by close i mean intimate...) really knowing each other. If we live like this and remember that we are all siblings, and how much we love our siblings, then how should we love our neighbors? As ourselves right? which also means we are to love ourselves. God created u sin His image. We are image bearers and heirs to the throne. Why wouldn't we love ourselves?

Psalm 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." So... after all is said and done... LOVE WINS. God is Love. :) *steps off soap box*

To elaborate, I'm just realizing that we are called not only to Love God above all others, and love others before ourselves, but that does not say we can't love ourselves. Simply stating that we should love others before ourselves implies that we are to love ourselves. I take joy in the fact that I am a masterpiece and that my Father rejoices ("hallel"-hebrew word meaning 'to spin about wildly'... cool huh?) over me with singing. Would I not be so honored to be the creation and delight of the most High God? This brings me to my next idea.

It is that we are to ENJOY following God's laws. Although, they are Laws, they are put in place to keep us from harm. God uses that same thing in parenting. It's parallel. When you have children, you tell them do not play in the street, it is so that they don't get hit by a car. They are to have a healthy fear of the street. At the time, the child is not aware of why they shouldn't play in the street, just that they are limited to the yard and sidewalks and that their parents don't want them to be able to go anywhere else. They look at it like a restriction or that they're just being mean. We ought to thank and respect our parents for setting rules for us as children and teenagers because that is how we've learned. We've learned either by listening to what they say. or by mistake. That's how I normally learn things. As adults, we think we know so much more... which relatively, we do. But looking at the big picture, for us, there are so many pieces missing. We can't really even see the big picture. So when God puts rules into play to keep us safe, physically, emotionally, mentally, we feel that He's a mean God, that He's got all these laws that we're supposed to follow.. Being a gospel believing christian is NOT about following the laws. Now, that is a very important piece of the puzzle, but to focus on and get caught up in following the laws makes being a christian a duty. Why would we want just another duty? We DON'T! We should take joy in following His laws because when we are inconstant communion with our King, we don't see His rules as being mean, We see his rules as gifts, from a loving father who loves us so much that he would put those into place to keep us safe. In Psalm 37, verse 4, David says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." --- This verse you can look at all together, and you can separate it and digest each part individually.

"Delight yourself in the Lord..."

First, look at what Thesaurus.com has to say about the what it means to delight:

Main Entry:	delight
Part of Speech:	verb
Definition:	make happy; experience happiness
Synonyms:	allure, amuse, arride, attract, be the ticket, charm, cheer, content, delectate, divert,enchant, enrapture, entertain, exult, fascinate, freak out, gladden, glory, go over big, gratify,groove*, hit the spot, jubilate, knock dead, knock out, please, pleasure, ravish, rejoice, satisfy, score, send, slay, thrill, tickle pink, tickle to death, turn on, wow

Isn't that interesting? Just sit and ponder what it would be like to do all those things. And then think about what all "The Lord" encompasses. How are we to delight ourselves in the Lord? Compare your relationship with Christ to the relationship you have with your best friend, your spouse, or your healthiest relationship. Think about even the small things that bring you joy in those relationships. God is SO MUCH BIGGER than that. He should be your EVERYTHING. I'm so guilty of putting myself, control, others, material things, love, etc.. in priority over Him. How does it feel to be 2nd? not great right? If you're married, or have every been in a relationship, how would it feel if your significant other put someone else before you? How would it feel if they loved that other person, pursued that other person, spent more time with that other person more than you? AWFUL. HEART WRENCHING. Think about it. It grieves the heart of God. Why would we ever choose anything but Him anyway? Anything other than our Lord falls short. Anyone other than our Lord will give us TEMPORARY, SHALLOW, CONDITIONAL, at times DRUNKEN, APATHETIC, and SELFISH love and acceptance. I'm not saying that we are incapable of having deep and meaningful relationships with other christians and even non-believers! We are! But nothing will ever be as satisfying as the UNCONDITIONAL, FOREVER, INTIMATE, SELFLESS, HONORING, RESPECTING, COMPASSIONATE, DEEP, SINCERE, AND GENUINE, love and acceptance that we have to only RECEIVE from the heart of God. Why not delight in that? ha! We'd be crazy not to! ... or sinners...

"... and He will give you the desires of your heart."

The second part of this verse can be taken two ways. He will give you the things that your heart desires, OR, He will cause your heart to desire what His heart desires for you. Which would you prefer and why? I prefer the latter. If I long for my life to be good and pleasing to him, to honor my Lord, to praise him in everything, through everything, and all the time... and He knows far better than I what is best for me, then why tell him what I think is best? He does enjoy to bless us with things that we desire, but He also blesses us with things that we don't know we desire until we experience that blessing. Again, the big picture that we can't see, is so vast. This part, once you get that they are HIS desires that we long to long for, it's pretty simple I think...

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

The Prodigal God series part 1 (STELLAR sermons btw)

So I've been listening to the Prodigal God sermon series by Tim Keller. Amazing. It's absolutely incredible. I could listen to them over and over. In fact, my sister has. haha... It doesn't matter what stage of life you're in, this series is for you. Here's something that I wrote down because it was so profound to me.

"Repentance is an experience of LIBERATION. A repentant person is someone who is FINALLY free from the pretense and evasion. Free from the need to win every argument, free from the need to defend yourself. Free from the need to expose others ans say, "You're not so great." A repentant person who is vulnerable and happy to do it and says, "Yes, I was wrong, I was absolutely wrong. I shouldn't have done that. Let's make it right." Quick to repent, joyful to repent. It's liberation. I don't have to spin everything, I don't have to have control what everybody thinks."
-Tim Keller

Keller talks about 2 kinds of repentance:

1-The kind that leads to salvation and no regret.
2-The kind that leads to regret and devastation.

The first kind of repentance is one that is focused on how the sin that has been done effects the heart of the One that matters. It focuses on the hurt, grief, and pain that the sin has caused the lover of souls and how time does not heal hurt, but a repentant heart and love, grace, mercy, and joy.
The second kind is one that is more self centered. Focused on the sinner and what the sinner did. The sinner might think that if they feel bad enough about what they did and people see that they feel badly then, they've suffered enough of the guilt and everything can be okay again.

The rain is my gift and the thunder, music to my ears.

I've come to the realization that this day, my 22nd birthday, is not about me. Today I am proud of myself for being who I am, yes. BUT- without the gospel, without love, compassionate grace, mercy, redemption, sacrifice, zeal... etc. Where would I be? This is not MY day. This is the Lord's day for me. I'm so thankful and blessed to be a proclaimed daughter of the high King of Zion, the almighty, the most high God. I'm honored that He would think of me. His greatness humbles me. The lord my God is on my side. He has called me to Him an d today He blessed me the minute I woke up. He knows my heart loves to wake up to the rain. This morning, I woke up to thunder and within minutes it began to pour. I immediately opened all my windows and went outside and started my day with my Abba, my Lord.

How great is our God? :)

Each day the Lord gives us is a gift. It is also a responsibility. What we do with His gifts is very important. We are image bearers of the King. You and I represent an idea, a faith, a love, the truth, the gospel, the only wise God. How will you bear the image so graciously bestowed upon you? You are a masterpiece.

"Rejoice in the Lord always, I say again, Rejoice!"

"And I will fear not evil, for my God is with me. And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear? WHOM THEN SHALL I FEAR?"

You're Beautiful

'You're Beautiful'
by Phil Wickham


I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful

I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You’re beautiful, you're beautiful

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, I see Your face
I see Your face, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful

This is one of my favorite worship songs. Phil Wickham is probably my favorite christian artists.
This morning I was sitting out on the screened in porch listening to the sounds that come with a new day. I made a list of things I'm thankful for... This list is SO short compared to the one that is actually all the things that my savior has given me. But these are the ones that came to mind first.

This is what I wrote in my journal this morning:

-My wonderful family-I'm so blessed by just being with them and knowing that I matter to them. Always.
-Lady-she's really affectionate and rubbing her face all over me cuz she wants me to pet her. (She's pregnant) I also love that I love cats. My mother loved cats. It's kinda of like a piece of her that I have...
-The outside-I don't have words to express the JOY I receive from just being in awe of your creation. It brings so much glory to you and such joy to me. Your works are indescribable! You know my heart and pursue me with love. You are the lover of my soul. You are the author of my heart, mind, soul, and story. You're the bridegroom of my heart. Yet you are my Father, whom I revere. You are the creator of all things. You show me you love me.
-When the sun hits me just right.
-When a song comes on the radio and my heart jumps
-When there's a breeze
-The sound of the wind making the trees dance.
-The morning birds that sing their songs for you.
-The shadows and lights that make the leaves look dynamic.
-Animals
-Coffee- the smell of coffee.
-Shade
-Playing sports with friends
-Being a kid
-Music- God, music is so wonderful. I want to sing to you everyday.


Micah 7:18
"Who is a God like You, who pardons sins and forgives the transgression of the remnant of inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; You will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea."

Be at peace my children... but get excited about all the action!

These days I'm extremely content with where I am in life. I'm so blown away by the oppotunities God has lain at my feet this summer. I'm certain that He is using them all in ways that I am not aware right now. I'm so thankful for the blessings that He's bestowed upon me with so much Grace, when I don't deserve it. I'm thankful that He's brought me to a place where I am at peace and despite the battle between my head and my heart every-so-often, I am confident in who I am without the shallow acceptance of others. Now, I do value my friends and family and how much they love and encourage me, but I'm finding MY value in my Lord.

Reading in Jeremiah, I found this passage. This is just a piece of the action that is going on, but oh what a battle scene! I know it's a lot to read, but Oh so worth it. We are part of a great adventure, a love story, an action/"shoot-em-up movie" (as my dad calls them). All the different genres of stories that people prefer are included in one story. The Gospel. Below is an action/thriller... i think... BUT the story of Christ, his life, death, resurrection, love for his people, relationship with The Father, everything... it's every genre all in one. Who wouldn't love OUR story. The story of God's people. :) This makes me excited. :) OK OK, read... and imagine youself preparing for battle... this is great imagery for Spiritual Warfare as well.

Jeremiah 51:10-23

10 The Lord has brought about our vindication;come, let us declare in Zionthe work of the Lord our God.
11 “Sharpen the arrows!Take up the shields!
The Lord has stirred up the spirit of the kings of the Medes, because his purpose concerning Babylon is to destroy it, for that is the vengeance of the Lord, the vengeance for his temple.
12 “Set up a standard against the walls of Babylon;make the watch strong;set up watchmen;prepare the ambushes;for the Lord has both planned and donewhat he spoke concerning the inhabitants of Babylon.13 O you who dwell by many waters,rich in treasures,your end has come;the thread of your life is cut.14 The Lord of hosts has sworn by himself:Surely I will fill you with men, as many as locusts,and they shall raise the shout of victory over you.
15 “It is he who made the earth by his power,who established the world by his wisdom,and by his understanding stretched out the heavens.16 When he utters his voice there is a tumult of waters in the heavens,and he makes the mist rise from the ends of the earth.He makes lightning for the rain,and he brings forth the wind from his storehouses.17 Every man is stupid and without knowledge;every goldsmith is put to shame by his idols,for his images are false,and there is no breath in them.18 They are worthless, a work of delusion;at the time of their punishment they shall perish.19 Not like these is he who is the portion of Jacob,for he is the one who formed all things,and Israel is the tribe of his inheritance;the Lord of hosts is his name.
20 “You are my hammer and weapon of war:with you I break nations in pieces;with you I destroy kingdoms;21 with you I break in pieces the horse and his rider;with you I break in pieces the chariot and the charioteer;22 with you I break in pieces man and woman;with you I break in pieces the old man and the youth;with you I break in pieces the young man and the young woman;23 with you I break in pieces the shepherd and his flock;with you I break in pieces the farmer and his team;with you I break in pieces governors and commanders.

Free Time that isn't Free...

Do you ever wonder why some days you just want to do nothing? Whether it's lack of motivation, depression, laziness, the need to decompress, or addiction to slothfulness, we all need downtime. But we can have too much down time. Sometimes I feel that because I live alone, I have less motivation to get things done because there's no one here to ask me why i haven't gotten my rear off the couch all day... but then other times, I'm more motivated than normal to get things done, be productive and create a space for myself that reflects me and then use it for more productiveness. Sometimes I have a lot of time on my hands and because I have so much to do, I avoid doing it... i avoid being stressed out by it. But then at the last minute, I get it all done. I work well under pressure. Time constraints push me to my limits and force my to spit out quality work in a short amount of time. I really have to monitor how much time I give myself to relax. I have enough things to do to keep me busy all day, but I put things off to relax when I need to. Sometimes I do it more than I need to. I don't know if any of this makes sense, or if anyone else does this. This is something I struggle with. I "relax" a lot. It gives me time to think... or not think... whether it's pondering some important issue in my life, or watching mind numbing television for hours fall asleep here and there, too much "relaxing" time is not good.

Here's my disclaimer:
I do do things that I need to do. I get my work done, I get my homework for school done, and I get some reading done. Oh, and I workout everyday. I just don't always spend my free time wisely. I could get all my work done earlier in the day and then have the evening free for whatever else I'd like to do and then get to bed at a reasonable time. Most days I manage my time fairly well. It's just once in a while, there's a couple days where I don't. Is that bad? Am I allowed a couple days of nothing? ... as long as it's not often?

If you use your time wisely, then you shouldn't have too much to worry about in that arena... But if you don't and you spend the majority of your free time doing nothing, is it really free time? Does free time spent foolishly come at a cost? Could we come up with a name for time that we spend doing nothing productive?

A Fight to the Finish

It is cold out, although, I am kept warm, actually sweating with what protects me. I can feel drops of sweat inside my helmet running down my temples to my neck. I feel each rapid breath against my face as my helmet guards even my mouth. It is dark outside and I can barely see. Only a faint light from the moon behind the clouds aids in sight. It will be difficult to see the enemy coming. My breastplate is heavy and thick. I can feel my heart pounding against the metal. It beats almost simultaneously with the sound of our feet against the hard earth. My sword clangs as I run with the others. At least I am not alone.

I want to stop and rest, but I can hear them coming. They each run at their own pace. A mass of noise and clanging heading our way. I can make out large dark figures, sweeping over the land as they move silently, almost gliding on the edges of the mass. I'm trembling as they move towards us and we towards them. We will meet just over the hill. Am I ready? Will I be injured? I'm sure. They are vast in number and tower over the trees in the distance. How can we defeat them? We are protected with our armor. We have our swords and faith that we will defeat them, although I cannot deny the slight doubt in the back of my mind that I will fail, fall, be defeated, injured, or even killed. I begin to pray. So do the others.

We are all muttering prayers of desperation, hope, and in need of rescue. Suddenly, the winds begin to blow and I'm cooled in my armor, I feel lighter. This is no wind. This is our help. Our aid. Our army. Above us, among us, around us, and in front of us, they glide higher and taller. At first I was frightened. These creatures are not human. They are not like anything I've ever seen. They are many and they are mighty. Their stature and strength surpasses that of the dark gliding figures in the distance. They are grimacing, frightening, and fearless. They move at a pace that I struggle to keep up with. Battle is approaching, but I feel more prepared. We all continue to pray. As we near the others, the moon is no match to the light that fills the sky from the flaming arrows headed our way. Off to our left and right, small but quick creatures run at us. We ready ourselves to be attacked.

.... To be continued...

The below text was Taken from:

http://www.wcg.org/lit/spiritual/warfare.htm

Spiritual Warfare Put on the full armor of God,” Paul writes in Ephesians 6:11, “so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.” Spiritual warfare is important, because we do not struggle “against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (v. 12). Since spiritual warfare is important, it is also important that we understand what it is, and stay away from any nonbiblical ideas that sometimes go under the name “spiritual warfare.” Because of various excesses and abuses, some people stay away from all forms of “spiritual warfare.” But as Paul said, we have spiritual enemies, and it will be helpful for us to discuss how we fight them. The armor of God Paul mentions the “armor of God”: the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the strong boots of the gospel of peace, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, the sword of the Spirit, which Paul says is the word of God, and prayer in the Spirit (verses 14-18). We can draw interesting analogies for each of these, but I think some of the popular expositions stretch the analogies further than Paul intended. The main point is that we need spiritual attributes for a spiritual battle. We need truth, because the truth sets us free. We need righteousness, the gift of righteousness that God gives us through faith in Christ, which leads us to live righteously in him. Faith in God helps us endure with God’s peace the accusations of Satan, for we know that no matter what he accuses us of, we have been forgiven; we need not be burdened by guilt or be afraid of failure. In addition, faith gives us endurance and peace in the face of life’s tragedies, injustices and trials. When our feet are protected by the gospel of peace, we are ready to go wherever we have to in the peaceful assurance of God’s faithful word. When God is for us, who can be against us? When Jesus was tempted by Satan, he resisted by quoting the word of God. We are stronger spiritually when we know and trust what God has said. Paul ends his list of spiritual armor by reminding us that spiritual strength comes from God alone, so we need to pray—“on all occasions, with all kinds of prayers and requests…. Always keep praying for all the saints” (verse 18). The battle depends on the Lord, and since we never know in advance when the enemy will attack, prayer needs to characterize our lives. Paul gives a complementary list of spiritual armor in 1 Thessalonians 5:8: “faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet.” Here he uses the trio of faith, hope and love. The point is that we will be spiritually stronger, less likely to stumble or fall, if these qualities are at work in our lives.

Don't choose not to chew your food...

Well, it's been a while. So much has happened. What's interesting is that I'm in the midst of re-learning what I wrote about in my last post. Trusting God and that He is sovereign and knows what is best for me. I have to choose to trust him because it's not a natural thing. Giving up control is not something we, as humans, naturally long to do. I often find my self preaching... to myself. Remembering my identity in my Jesus is difficult after hiding it, running from it, and being brainwashed for so long. I've been finding myself slowly. Once in a while the old Cate, the crippled Cate, wants to, instead of trusting God and who I am in Him, forget who I am and rely on someone to tell me who I am. Does that make sense? In my last relationship, I lost who I was. I lost my identity and was told who to be, how to act, what to believe... and I was completely blind. I have recently realized that I was emotionally abused. And I thought that I was a strong person. I WAS. before. I AM now. but for about three years, I wasn't strong or independent. I was weak, selfish, co-dependent...

I've also been learning a lot about grief. I didn't think there was anything else to learn about grief. I've also learned things about who I used to be, or who I was when I was brainwashed. That's the term my family used to describe me when I was with my ex. I hadn't looked at it that way. This past long weekend, I took some time and went to North Carolina where my mother's family lives. It's good to visit them. It makes me feel like there's a little bit of her in every conversation. Many feelings surfaced while I spent time reflecting and praying on the beach. At first, I really couldn't focus. I felt like my mind was being attacked and I had to fight just to keep the enemy out, let alone have time to relax, or think about the important things. But I just kept praying that God would help me to clear my head. I asked him for clarity, direction, peace, and overall encouragement. My relationship with my dad has always been a deep and loving one. Despite our uniquely deep relationship, we have always butt-heads with each other.... hmmm... always.... that's where I'm a little cloudy. What I'm struggling with right now is when it all started and what the root is of the tension. Most of the time my dad and I are great. I feel loved, provided for, important, and like he's proud of me. I feel all the things girls want to feel in a good relationship with their dad. Occasionally, there will be an incident in which I get set off and then an argument ensues. Now, I don't just go ballistic out of the blue. What ususally happens is that he'll do or say something that hurts my feelings. Normally whatever he says or does is not something huge or lifechanging. What it IS is something small that makes me feel the feelings of hurt or like I don't measure up... various feelings from some past experience that I've blocked out in my head. What caused those feelings that surface everytime there is discord, I do not know. I wish I did. I know in my head that he loves me. I know in my head that he's proud of me and that I'm important to him. He tells me, he shows me. I can see it in his face. But for some reason, my heart is hurt and angry at him and I don't know why. This is huge for me. My default response... the old Cate... would run. I would try so hard not to have to deal with this. I would avoid the topic, I would avoid my dad, shove my feelings of hurt and anger down and just swallow that huge chunk of unchewed food. It's really painful and killer to digest without chewing first. So bad that it injures me everytime I do it and it's ruining my stomach. That may be a digusting illustration, but I feel it gets the visual going that really gets my point across. THIS Cate, the real Cate, will face it, cut it into small pieces, chew and chew and chew. I get tired of chewing sometimes, but its just the old me trying to get me to just swallow the food that's not chewed up yet. So, right now, I'm chewing.

Come Thirsty... What i'm reading these days...

TRUST

" Learn well the song of Sovereignty: I know God knows what's best. Pray humbly the prayer of trust: "I trust your lordship. I belong to you. nothing comes to me that has not passed through you."

WORRY is irrelevant and irreverent...

" Worry changes nothing. You don't add one day to your life or one bit of life to your day by worrying. Your anxiety earns you heartburn, nothing more."

"Your part is prayer and gratitude. God's part? Peace and protection. 'If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful then the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.'(Phil 4:7)"

ANGELS

The angels that watch over us are two things: Many and Mighty.

In Psalm 68:17 NKJV, King David writes: "The chariots of God are twenty thousand, even thousands of angels: the Lord is among them as in Sanai, in the holy place." When referring to Mt. Sanai, David was thinking of the time ten thousand angels descended upon the mountain as God gave the law to Moses. 'God came down from Sanai... coming with ten thousand holy angels" (Deut 33:2 MSG)

Preview this book at :
http://www.google.com/ig?referrer=ign#max108



I can't wait to get the workbook for this!

I can't get over the fact that at every moment there are many MASSIVE, powerful, and mighty angels hovering over me just watching and waiting for things of and not of this world to come, so that they may fight for me in God's name. Max talks about how angels dance around the throne and and only respsond to Him. He commands them, his army, HE gives the angels charge over us. We have our only personal armies guarding us at all times. While we make coffee in the morning, on the way to work or school, while we sleep, while we work or sit in a classroom, take dance class or teach dance class, in the car toating kids about the city, making dinner, watching tv... everything we do is protected by the heavenly realms. Then I think about when bad things happen. Some people ask why. We can't know why. We just have to trust. Of course we want to know why but that doesn't mean we should. "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." haha. It's natural to want to know why. We're reasoning creatures, we use logic and equations to figure out the vector of the ball that was thrown with X amount of force. blah blah blah. I'm totally preaching to myself here. When we found out my mom had cancer the first thing that came out of my mouth was, "God is sovereign." I don'tknow how it did, but it did. Then I wanted to know everything. I didn't immediately ask why, but when. How long did she have, what were we going to do to fix it. Could we fix it? No. We could try. If God's got a plan, we can do all we will to change it if we don't like how it's playing out... That brings me back to

TRUST

" Learn well the song of Sovereignty: I know God knows what's best. Pray humbly the prayer of trust: "I trust your lordship. I belong to you. nothing comes to me that has not passed through you."

So many people prayed and claimed that they KNEW she would be healed. She was, at least, not in the way we had hoped for. It's amazing the faith that people have in time of need. The prayer that I was exposed to was far beyond what i had experienced before then. Being a 15 year old and still green in my faith, I prayed but nothing like anyone else. I had faith, but not that he would heal her. I had faith that he could and that he knew what was best even it it meant me losing my mother, my siblings losing their mother, my father losing his wife of 29 years. Those 3 years were the hardest of my life. My dad checked out for a while, I ran from our pain and reality, Will, my youngest brother clung to my dad afraid for losing him also, and David, my kid brother, was filled with anger and hurt. We all felt hurt and abandoned my God. We all expressed our pain in extremely different ways. Our family was falling apart, and at the same time, the strongest and closest we'd ever been. It made me think of how Jesus felt, hanging on tree carved into a cross, dying and left by his father who claimed he would never forsake us. Jesus, cried to his Abba, "My God, my God, WHY have you forsaken me?!" I only had the tiniest taste of that anguish and pain that he felt. God has never and will never forsake us, because he did forsake his son. To put His only son through that: the pain, rejection, lonliness, beating, and even hell, would break a human. Sometimes I think about the judgement that we all deserve and then multiply it by all the people that have and ever will live, that's the pain Christ experienced. Unfathomable.

1 John 3:1 (ESV)
" See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him."

(KJV)
1 John 3:1
Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not.

I kind of like the KJV better in this verse. The words, for me, provide so much more emotion to the statement. It's like he's saying, "Behold! Take note, pay attention!!! Look what God has done! He, our Father, has bestowed, presentes as a gift, his love. Perpetual, unconditional love, that we should be called children of God. Heirs to the throne. (kinda, it's not like we'll take over lol...) Princes and princesses of Zion, the Heavenly Realms.


hmmm... oh when that day comes, it will be a glorious one.

Definition: to present as a gift; grant, give


"I trust your lordship. I belong to you. nothing comes to me that has not passed through you."

Class ehk

So first day of classes tomorrow. I have to get up at 7:00 and make sure I get into a certain Drawing II class. yippee! I don't really have much to say right now. This thursday we have our life group again. I'm glad. I love that fellowship.

Learning to Dance (follow)

So I have this friend. She's really into looking for the single guys and hanging out with them all the time. I mean, that's cool. But talking about it all the time, and in front of them is interesting i think. I could just be really rude. eh. I just don't know If I'd be telling all the single guys I know that i want to hang out with them all the time BECAUSE they are single. ha. I might get a weird reaction. I know that it would be nice to date someone. But I'm not actively looking for someone to date. Even though all my friends minus a couple are either engaged or married, I don't feel the need to be in the same stage of life as they. I need to do what's right for me. I'm letting God handle it. Yeah there are guys I know that I wouldn't mind dating or even just spending more time with to get to know them more... but I'm not going to take matters into my own hands. What's weird is that is so different from my personality, which is one that is very dominating and leader-like. I want to plan, take control of a situation if I feel nothing productive is being done. In the business world, if i led a team of people to do something, that would come in handy. Between God and me, not so much. He's the ultimate leader and I have to follow.

A few years ago my dad was teaching me how to dance. Not ballroom or anything. But you know, slow dance. He's a very good dancer. I've got rhythm and have always been able to dance salsa, bachata and other things that require SOME skill. But this was difficult for me. I had to follow his lead. We laughed because is so closely mirrored my personality. I think it's interesting that He taught me how to follow when dancing, and he's done a lot of the same in life. I've had to learn how to follow his lead. Even now that is somewhat of a battle. If we have a tiff, I normally come around a little quicker these days. I remember some of the arguments we've had in the past. Man, God is going to bring it right back and let me experience the hardship of raising me through my kids. I just know it. I'm glad I'm still under his authority. I know I'm an adult and can make my own decisions but I actually value his opinions now. I love listening to his wisdoms and seeking and taking his advice on difficult times. I love that I can talk to him openly and have intellectual conversations but at the same time, be comfortable and/or learn something from him. I'm so thankful for such an amazing father. What I've talked about in this blog has only scratched the surface of what makes him awesome. I'm so blessed to have the relationship that I do with him.