Don't choose not to chew your food...

Well, it's been a while. So much has happened. What's interesting is that I'm in the midst of re-learning what I wrote about in my last post. Trusting God and that He is sovereign and knows what is best for me. I have to choose to trust him because it's not a natural thing. Giving up control is not something we, as humans, naturally long to do. I often find my self preaching... to myself. Remembering my identity in my Jesus is difficult after hiding it, running from it, and being brainwashed for so long. I've been finding myself slowly. Once in a while the old Cate, the crippled Cate, wants to, instead of trusting God and who I am in Him, forget who I am and rely on someone to tell me who I am. Does that make sense? In my last relationship, I lost who I was. I lost my identity and was told who to be, how to act, what to believe... and I was completely blind. I have recently realized that I was emotionally abused. And I thought that I was a strong person. I WAS. before. I AM now. but for about three years, I wasn't strong or independent. I was weak, selfish, co-dependent...

I've also been learning a lot about grief. I didn't think there was anything else to learn about grief. I've also learned things about who I used to be, or who I was when I was brainwashed. That's the term my family used to describe me when I was with my ex. I hadn't looked at it that way. This past long weekend, I took some time and went to North Carolina where my mother's family lives. It's good to visit them. It makes me feel like there's a little bit of her in every conversation. Many feelings surfaced while I spent time reflecting and praying on the beach. At first, I really couldn't focus. I felt like my mind was being attacked and I had to fight just to keep the enemy out, let alone have time to relax, or think about the important things. But I just kept praying that God would help me to clear my head. I asked him for clarity, direction, peace, and overall encouragement. My relationship with my dad has always been a deep and loving one. Despite our uniquely deep relationship, we have always butt-heads with each other.... hmmm... always.... that's where I'm a little cloudy. What I'm struggling with right now is when it all started and what the root is of the tension. Most of the time my dad and I are great. I feel loved, provided for, important, and like he's proud of me. I feel all the things girls want to feel in a good relationship with their dad. Occasionally, there will be an incident in which I get set off and then an argument ensues. Now, I don't just go ballistic out of the blue. What ususally happens is that he'll do or say something that hurts my feelings. Normally whatever he says or does is not something huge or lifechanging. What it IS is something small that makes me feel the feelings of hurt or like I don't measure up... various feelings from some past experience that I've blocked out in my head. What caused those feelings that surface everytime there is discord, I do not know. I wish I did. I know in my head that he loves me. I know in my head that he's proud of me and that I'm important to him. He tells me, he shows me. I can see it in his face. But for some reason, my heart is hurt and angry at him and I don't know why. This is huge for me. My default response... the old Cate... would run. I would try so hard not to have to deal with this. I would avoid the topic, I would avoid my dad, shove my feelings of hurt and anger down and just swallow that huge chunk of unchewed food. It's really painful and killer to digest without chewing first. So bad that it injures me everytime I do it and it's ruining my stomach. That may be a digusting illustration, but I feel it gets the visual going that really gets my point across. THIS Cate, the real Cate, will face it, cut it into small pieces, chew and chew and chew. I get tired of chewing sometimes, but its just the old me trying to get me to just swallow the food that's not chewed up yet. So, right now, I'm chewing.