Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if my mom hadn't died. I wonder what would be different. In a message to an friend, one that knew my mother, I wrote this:
There's no reason in particular that she's been on my mind lately. Normally, when I'm struggling with something or life just reminds me that it's not easy, is when I miss her the most. I begin to wonder what my life as an adult would be like if she was still here. I wonder if I would have matured differently or faster, or dated certain people or not dated certain people. Because of the focus of her illness starting when I was 15, I feel like I missed out on having a mom in one of the parts of life that a girl needs her mom the most. I just wonder what kind of a person I would be if she was still around. Although, at the same time. I'm actually thankful for her death because even though she got the best end of the deal, I've grown and learned so much. I've made many mistakes, and learned from them all. I also have been forced to become a Daddy's girl... I didn't used to be.
At times I feel like I can't function without her. All I can do is sit and think. Or cry. I can't focus on anything but her. Sometimes I feel selfish for just sitting in the fact that she's gone. I don't do this often, but after I do, I feel like I've accomplished something. I feel that I've taken another step in the grieving process. I'm learning that it's so important to face the things that hurt the most. I didn't. Now, after 4 years, I am and it's the hardest thing. Growth is not easy. It's along and grueling process. At the end, I'm promised that it's beautiful, but beginning and enduring it... not so beautiful.
I posted this in my facebook today... It's Drops of Jupiter by Train
This is my song for her. It's the song I listened to on repeat on the way home from her viewing... which was also my parents' wedding anniversary Feb 21st, 2005... This song made it hard to drive home.
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